Mom's Baggage

Monday, February 08, 2010

Regrets

So I did come home from Amarillo and I think I might have left some of me still there. Faith is stubborn as all get out and has surpassed the hospice estimate of 3-5 days by a week now. How can you say someone is strong when they look so frail? Well, she is and she just isn't ready yet.

I hate seeing her suffer. Everyone does. She is kept comfortable with medication and while she can eat so little she has seen great improvements over a week ago, sitting up in bed, eating more. She is assisted anytime she leaves her bed. She feels like she is being watched constantly. She is. Watching based on worry.

The grace in which she is handling this...the attitude with everyone invading her home, her space, her dignity. And yet she has kept her dignity in the way she has accepted it all. She has accepted her diagnosis, her caregivers, the routine and most of all she accepted Christ. That must be where the grace and dignity she exudes comes from. His light is shining down on her.

The angels might be preparing to welcome another member to their crew but for the time being she is still here busily shining her light on those around her.

So, if you're a praying person please continue to pray for Faith and her family. If you're not, then now's as good a time as any.

Sticks and stones...

...may break my bones but words will break my heart.

"You're fat."

"You're stupid."

"You're ugly."

"Your opinion doesn't count."

"You're not important enough to listen to."

If it's not okay to say that to her then what makes it okay to say that to your wife, mother, sister or daughter? Serious or teasing, it hurts. Look at her picture, say it to her face. Then put your favorite woman in that spot and say it again. Doesn't feel good no matter who's picture is there.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Lost

I'm lost. Somewhere around here is me...there's lots of snow where I am and a vigil being held. Strange roads leading to more snow. Familiar faces that became strangers on a calendar and then friends again. A floor my daughter has been sleeping on for over a week. A beautiful lady being swallowed by a mean disease.

I've been in Amarillo for more than a week. It feels like a lifetime. Perry and the boys have been playing bachelors without Em and I. It's snowed twice and it's not been just a tiny bit but inches and inches. We came to see Faith. We packed for things that might come while here. I brought black pants and black dress shoes just in case.

I'm tired but don't know whether to stay or go. She's so thin. Emma asked why her bones show and the mass in her abdomen seems to grow daily. She isn't digesting any food but still takes a little bit in. Her face is but a glimmer of the beautiful face that stares back at me from the frame on Grandma's wall. Her six sisters stand vigil, taking care and turns giving her pain medicine while the world continues to revolve around them. Her husband watches her grow smaller and more frail each day.

It's not all sad though. Stories of the past are shared and traded. Compliments of those tiny machine-like stitches Faith could make on a quilt are pretty common. It's incredibly sad to see my Grandmother holding her daughter's hand in her hospital bed that sits in her own house with sad little hospice files sitting about and a fridge full of medicine. It hurts.

Emma is learning about dying. One of my mom's six sisters is dying. How long? I don't know. I don't think anyone does. How long do I stay? I don't know. Can you tell me please? Is four to young to learn about death? No, probably not since it is part of life. She says Faith won't be lonely becaue she'll be with God and Ms. JoAnn and that Ms. JoAnn isn't lonely....she's with her son and mother and they're all sitting around waiting for Mr. Bob. Emma's learning alot about death these days.

I've driven on snow and ice, I've shoveled snow for the first time ever, I have cooked in my aunt's kitchen, and I've navigated Amarillo....All new experiences but the best part of this whole time away from my men (the boys and Perry) has got to have been the honor and pleasure to see six (seven counting Pat) beautiful women care for their sister. How blessed I truly am to be here.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Haiti, treadmill, Friday

Short one...

Haiti...it's just heartbreaking to watch the news and feel so helpless to help.

Treadmill....twice this week. Not as much as I should but not as little as last week.

Friday...Yea for Friday!!! Playdate at a friend's house, pizza and movie night with the family. I LOVE FRIDAY!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I am sooooooooo smart!!!!

Recently, in a large city in France ,

a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said, "This summer,

do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,

whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,

responded publicly to the question

posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)

They have an active sex life,

get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas,

seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,

the Bering Sea

and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers

and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures

and virtually have no predators

other than humans.

They are loved, protected and admired

by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist,

they would be lining up outside the offices

of Argentinean psychoanalysts

due to identity crisis. Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life

because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT?

Therefore, they don't have kids either.

Not to mention,

who wants to get close to a girl who smells

like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:

I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age

when media puts into our heads

the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time, we gain weight

because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads

that when there is no more room,

it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,

we are enormously cultured,

educated and happy.
Beginning today,

when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

New things sure make my head hurt!

So I joined a neat group recently in the hopes of learning more about quilting and one of their.....events? Fun things?? I don't really know what you call it.....They are having a post card exchange among the members. Not just any post card exchange but a fabric post card exchange.

Making things like this isn't something I've done before but no harm in trying....here's the results...what do you think?

M.O.M.

Mean Old Mom

So, Brenden forgot his lunch this morning. I was in the shower when Perry came upstairs to tell me that he had left it in the fridge. Take it to him or not? Mmmm, look at the title of the post????

Since he leaves so early to get to school I did the mean thing. When he called to say he had arrived safely at the school (his phone is off until he calls me) I asked about his lunch. He said he realized he'd forgotten it about the time he got to school so I told him to turn around and come back to get it.

When he pulled into the driveway I walked out and buckled it to his backpack. I told him I could have taken it to him but then he wouldn't have learned as much about forgetting things as he did by riding back to get it. I also told him I only did things like that because I love him and want him to learn, which is true.

So how come I feel guilty?

Monday, January 11, 2010

Warning: Watch for falling poop!

Can you imagine the little yellow warning sign for that one?

So yesterday was just an off day for me. I was really tired and just in a zone most all day. I didn't sleep well because my arm was really sore and I kept rolling over on it in the middle of the night. Who knew tetanus shots would leave your arm so sore? Okay, so you did, but I sure didn't.

Anyway, what's this got to do with falling poop? Well, I'm getting there...don't get your knickers in a wad.

I put on a movie yesterday afternoon thinking at after lunch my chitlins would enjoy a movie and I'd quietly fall asleep in the chair watching it...and I did....three times. Each time I was rudely awakened by a child who wanted something. The third time I just about lost it.....let's just say I was a bit grumpy by then. I took my tired self upstairs to lay down where I had absolutely no luck taking a power nap by that point...I think your blood pressure shooting up in irritation can make you sort of....well, kind of....WIDE AWAKE!!!

After giving up on the idea of power napping to shake my tired, zoned-out mood I decided a nice hot bubble bath would suffice (the poop is coming just wait...NO! Not mine...just be patient). I enjoyed my lavender scented bubbles and enjoyed it being hot enough to break a sweat....gotta love hot baths taken BEFORE all the chitlins hit the showers....means you can actually have a hot one.

After I was through I still had bubbles so I called my sweet smooch (Iphones are so handy and so mobile) downstairs and asked him to ask Little Red if she wanted a bubble bath (Yes, the poop is coming soon). She raced upstairs, did her potty business and made herself at home with my leftover bubbles (still very warm according to her) and her bath toys. Just before hopping in her daddy helped her wipe good 'cause she evidently missed a spot. A few minutes later (as I'm sitting the recliner enjoying the back massager and The Little Princess on TV, Emma announces quite loudly from the bathroom she has to go potty. While having to remove my slippery, bubbly girl from the tub for this is annoying, I am full of praise that she told me rather than doing her business in my tub.....but, alas, (get ready for the poo)I was premature in my pride.

After she gets back in (and I'm comfortable again) she announces there is poo in the tub.....mmmmm.....

When I go in I discover she is wrong. There is no poo in the tub. It has been removed. It is now sitting nicely on her fingers for me to see.

I inquired as to where the poo came from...."It fell out of my bottom."

Friday, January 08, 2010

Jammie Day

Jacob had jammie day at school today and he wore his new jammies from Uncle Jay and Aunt Rosario. When he got home Emma said "JAPE-PUB! Why do you have your jammies on?" He explained it to her and this is what we got minutes later.....

Ow! Oi! Ornery!

Ow! Yesterday I was feeding some creative juices. I got all these fabulous fabric sample books off Freecycle, hoping for a little fun while keeping that "beans and rice" budget in mind. I LOVE some of the fabrics in these books. There's also an education from them....who knew someone would (could?) actually spend $75 a yard on fabric???? Anyway, I digress....the Ow? Well, I was using a small flat screwdriver to pry open the staples holding the fabric in the books (while watching TV and listening to Em's latest rendition of "Jesus Loves Me") when I slipped....full force....and stabbed myself in the hand. I thought I was going to toss my cookies right then and there. As calmly (in sort of a stunned zombie-like state come to think of it) as I could I walked to the half bath so Emma didn't realize what was going on. I washed it off and grabbed our red rag that we keep in that bathroom for just such emergencies (red rag keep kids from freaking out as much when injuries involving blood occur). Then I headed for the office chair where I sat until my head quit spinning and my stomach returned to ground level. It's not really a big hole, just deep...like to the bone deep. I got it right inside the thumb/palm joint so since my thumb is pretty much useless (unless I like pain...which, in case you're not aware I DON'T), I might have a rather tame, inactive day today. :)

Oi! Did I tell you we live in Texas? Land of sunny weather, even in the dead of winter? It's 3 degrees today with the wind chill. 3 DEGREES!!!! Seriously? I can't send my daughter who is singing the chorus of "Jingle Bells" (unfortunately I think that is the only part of the song she knows) for the 50th time right now can't go outside in that! We brought Sophie's water bowl from outside inside overnight to keep it from freezing yesterday only to put it out and have it freeze during the daylight hours. It's very, very, very, very cold here. My poor husband's shiny head has been covered with a knit cap for two days!

Ornery! That'd be Em these days. She's found that bossy 4-year-old streak. In recent weeks (Months?) it has become a little bit of an issue. To the point, in fact, that even Dad (who has been wrapped around her little pinky since day one) has gotten on to her for bossing but she finally has an outlet and a way to use this gift (????). Sophie. Now that she is accustomed to her she is more effectively managing Sophie's puppy-iness than the boys are. She can actually get her in her kennel faster than they can. Sophie is still learning and still jumps on her and things but Emma stands her ground, usually shouting "OFF!" or "NO!".....note to potential dates in the future....my daughter will be ready to take you down a notch or two.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Holiday recap.

Don't take this the wrong way but I'M SO GLAD CHRISTMAS IS OVER!!

I, as a general rule, use to love Christmas, wanting to put the tree up the day after Thanksgiving, if not sooner but the busier life gets the more anxious I am to be over it all. This year was no exception. However, all that being said, we had a really good Christmas.

So, here's the Christmas recap (and be forewarned, I'm making up for lost posts on blogging so I'm liable to be rather windy).....

The weekend before Christmas my family came in town for Christmas. Saturday we had "Christmas dinner". We had a blast and lots of food. I'm so glad my mom, sister-in-law and husband were so in control as I was still pooped from battling my cold which came on before I even fully recouped energy from being sick back in Sept/Oct. They can be in charge ANY time they want! :) I mean, seriously? If you wanna cook for me make yourselves at home! :)

We were so very blessed and fortunate to have not only my brother and his wife, but his son and fiancee AND my great niece and nephew. We had a full house for sure. My grandfather even got to join us for our dinner.

The next day we opened our gifts which was a lot of fun. The kids loved that part, of course. I did hear more than my fair share of "Do I have anymore?" from Ms. Em which made me cringe. I know, I know, she's young and we're working on grateful vs. greedy.

Then we had the adult gift exchange and added a few more to the crew via Skype. My brother and his new bride, along with some of her family, who currently live in Bulgaria. Their shipment of goodies to the states was delayed so we had stand in gifts but it was still fun. Little bit of stealing and gift swapping. I think the coolest gift was the power tool set Russ brought which went home with his Dad. Of course, I'm waiting on mine since it was one of the delayed gifts from Bulgaria....my mom assures me it's gorgeous! :) She opened them....but I did say she could so she could see too.

Ummm, let's see, for pics of all that fun stuff you have to go see my mom's blog because (gasp! shock! be prepared to fall over and have to pick yourself up) I didn't take any. I know, I know. Shocking. Just wait...I made up for it.

Christmas Eve we went to Amarillo and stayed with my Aunt Barbara. We had a wild party with all my mom's family who really know how to have a good time. It was beautiful weather and a lovely trip and my three angels rode so well in the back of the van. They didn't argue, whine or fuss once the entire trip....much less ask "Are we there yet?".

(italicized for the dream that last paragraph was)
Ha
Ha
Ha
Ha

Not really. That was the plan but we were watching the weather very, very closely. Up until that morning we didn't think we'd have any issues and had the van ready to go but that morning there was talk of "blizzard-like" conditions between here and there. Anyone from Texas can tell you that the word "blizzard" would not be found in a "Texas" Dictionary. We decided to play it safe and not risk getting stuck with three kids, a dog, and two unmedicated parents in a snow drift in some place called 'Chillicothe'. So we endured a suffering day of SHOPPING! Just general running around and having fun, topped off with a trip to see Santa at the mall. It had become getting dark after the mall so we headed home, which was a good thing because it had begun icing up. (There was that little voice in my head saying "You're going to get in an accident on the way home and then everyone is going to be laughing that you didn't go to Amarillo to stay safe but totaled the van on the ice by staying home.")

The next day we began realizing how truly good a decision we made in staying home....there were families from this area who headed the route we would have taken who reported being stuck in the snow for 30 hours. We know countless people who were stuck, stranded or had extended trips due to the bad weather.

I am sorry we missed all the fun but we did manage to make our own fun with the snow and ice that came our way...pics to follow.

So, we are finally back to normal. Back to a beans and rice budget (Perry complained that there a meatless dinner on tap for this evening). We did some major shopping damage, at least by our standards, though, and have lots of new books to read, some new movies and our final splurge was the Wii fit package.....remind me to tell you exactly how UNcoordinated I really am some time.

Now, for those pictures....most all of these are all about the ice and snow which my kids' infectious excitement turned into the best Christmas present we could have experienced. We had no Christmas Day dinner, no major plans came to fruition that day but we had snow.....and ice....in Texas....on Christmas Day.